When Should I Find Someone to Talk To?
Well, I’ll be up front with you - if you’re asking this question, I think it’s time. Most people ask this question too late, thinking that it’s necessary to have a crisis, major loss, or steep decline in mental well-being to start counseling. Here’s what I wish everyone knew when considering how to get started.
You don't have to be falling apart
Counseling isn’t reserved for acute stressors, traumas, or persistent mental health issues (even though it can help with all of those things). Have you ever felt like you’re just losing track of yourself and your life? Or that everything is just kind of plodding along with no definite direction or goal? Counseling can help with this because it’s a place to slow down, go internal, and focus on what matters.
While the field of counseling and psychology is relatively new, humans have been helping other humans explore their inner world for thousands of years. There are so many different approaches to counseling, but at the core is a safe, supportive relationship where you can be heard and understood without judgement. Can you think of any part of your life a relationship like this couldn’t help improve?
The real question to ask yourself
Not “is it bad enough?” but “is something not working?”. Does something in your life feel missing, off, or stuck? Counseling helps you turn and face that ennui head-on so you can make sense of what needs to change. And (spoiler alert!) counselors don’t have a philosopher’s stone to know what’s wrong. Instead, we enter into the confusion, ambiguity, and uncertainty with you so we can make sense of it together.
Oftentimes (but not all the time) the royal road to clarity is paved with emotional content. Sadness, anger, fear, joy, and shame - in all of their permutations - can be incredibly hard to connect with, and it can be even harder to discern what these emotions are asking of us. That’s where counseling comes in - you’ll get language for these inner messages, experience them in the here-and-now, and work toward making sense of new action you’ll need to take in life to live in alignment with your deepest values.
Specific signs worth paying attention to
Our minds and bodies will tell us when something’s wrong or off. That might look like…
Emotional Disturbance — anxiety, low mood, numbness, irritability that won't lift
Relational Issues — same patterns repeating, difficulty connecting, conflict that doesn't resolve
Problematic Behaviors — avoiding things, using something to cope, pulling back from life
Existential Angst — loss of meaning, direction, sense of self
Physical Problems — sluggishness, difficulty with sleep, overall lack of energy (sometimes these can be medical, but often times there’s a psychological disturbance beneath them)
There are signals that something inside needs attention, and counseling can help.
The things people tell themselves to wait
Counseling isn’t for me - that’s for other people - I shouldn’t need help. Meeting with a counselor isn’t giving up your power or admitting that you’ve failed. A good counselor is going to help you see things differently, connect with deeper emotions, and figure out ways to move toward action in life that’s guided by your values. You’ll lead by sharing what you want or need to discuss in sessions, not the counselor.
Now just isn’t the time. Counseling is like changing the heading on a ship that’s sailing from the UK to the US. Minor adjustments over the great span of miles can alter the destination in wild ways. You’ll always find a reason to wait, and hesitance about starting is real. But starting sooner helps you alter your course in ways future-you will appreciate.
I'm not bad off enough to need counseling. You’re probably getting a sense of this by now, but I don’t think you should wait to find a counselor until the wheels are falling off. Sometimes that happens - and that’s okay. But if you’re worried about whether you need counseling, don’t be. Something in you is reaching out for more, or you wouldn’t be reading this.
When should you find someone to talk to?
If you're curious about yourself and why you do what you do
If you sense there's more to understand beneath the surface
If you want more than just to get by
If something in you is ready even if you can't fully name why
Reading this far is its own kind of answer - and a good counselor will help you explore the curiosity and hesitation about starting to explore your inner world. There is always more of us to know and experience, and new understanding leads to new action. All of this happens in a trusted relationship with another person where you’ll experience being listened to deeply, without judgement or agenda.
Curious about what this would look like? Let’s talk.